Describe your perfect weekendWith my girlfriend, playing football or golf, having breakfast at my local café, a movie and then dinner with my pal Carol Brown.
What would you do if you ruled the world?I wou
ld hold an annual parade for all the idiots who bought Hummers and SUVs, and have them towed while we pelt them with rotten veg.
What one thing would improve your life?For me to be able to stay in the moment and accept it for what it is. That, and the perfect pair of jeans designed to fit my body shape.
Who did you last receive a text from and what did it say?From my girlfriend. It said, "Surhona x."
What's your guiltiest pleasure?I wasn't brought up a Catholic, so I don't associate guilt with pleasure. Plus, I have always been a hedonist, so I do many things for my own pleasure.
When did you last feel sorry for yourself?When I was in Scotland recently caring for my mum, who was rushed into hospital, and the bastards clamped my car outside my house.
What do you wish you'd never done?Wasted a great deal of time being unhappy and out of my head, and selling a perfectly lovely flat a few years ago.
Who does the cleaning in your house?My girlfriend and I suffer from mild OCD, so we both do it on the same day each week.
What has been your most expensive purchase, apart from a car or property?A stupid Prada leather jacket, for £1,000.
What is the most embarrassing thing that's happened to you?I'm embarrassed all the time, and to cover up I do the same as everyone else – pretend to be talking to somebody on my mobile. You all do that, right?
What is your earliest memory?Lying in bed in our flat in Edinburgh, looking at the wardrobe and imagining I could see a rabbit's head in the wood.
What song is the theme tune to your life?'You're Nobody Till Somebody Loves You'.
Who would play you in the movie of your life?It will be hard to cast, but when I was young I looked like that guy Fred from The Wonder Years.
Should you vote?Yes, you should vote, even though politicians are a bunch of lying clowns. Years ago, women starved themselves to get the vote. Now women are starving themselves and not voting.
Who was your favourite teacher and why?My art teacher Ian, who was also a father figure after my dad died. He nurtured my talent in an environment that was hard to be artistic in, and showed great pride when I was accepted to art school. It's a moment I will never forget. Sadly, he died very young, but I think about him often.
When were you last naked in front of another person?I often undress when I have a visitor. I find it an excellent ice-breaker.
Who is your fantasy date?I have the best girlfriend in the world, so I can't imagine a date with anyone else. It would be a waste of time.
What is your most treasured possession?My miniature wax Donald Duck, Mickey Mouse and Pluto. They sit on my desk next to my father's photo. I've had them since I was four.
What do you remember better, your first car or first kiss?My first kiss was around 11, my car 27. Neither were great starters.
If you didn't have your current career, what would you do?It's hard to trade an artist's life for anything else. Maybe a golfer, a teacher of troubled children or a private detective.
The full article contains 659 words and appears in Scotland On Sunday newspaper.
