IT'S A TV moment some of us – too many perhaps – know very well. Kirstie Allsopp, the goggle-box's favourite posh bird, turns on the heel of a shiny black stiletto to say something vaguely suggestive to her Location Location Location co-host Phil Spe
ncer and then he flirts back at her with interest. They were at it again last week.
Kirstie: "Do you know what I did the other night?"
Phil: "I dread to think."
Ah, but this was no ordinary edition of the homes-as-porn show. Chastened by the credit crunch, Location Location Location: A Survival Guide was a drastically modified version to take account of the global economic meltdown and the fact we all now subsist on fish-paste sandwiches. The families seeking help to flit were all victims of the crunch, and poor Kirstie felt like taking all of the blame.
What she'd done the other night was Google "Kirstie Allsopp" and "fault". The negative reaction shocked her. She was being hit by "a lot of flak" for encouraging people to buy houses they couldn't afford. Rubbish, said Phil – bricks and mortar still represented the wisest investment. And in the current buyers' market he then proceeded to make audaciously low offers on behalf of mildly embarrassed clients.
We used to love this programme and others like it. But, watching now, you just feel dirty. Kirstie seems to sense this, and when it's axed, as will inevitably happen, I can imagine her setting up a charity to help those tragic latecomers to the great gourmandising property bacchanal, this organisation being entirely funded by a sale of her mink stoles from the tailgate of her Land-Rover Discovery. The bullish Phil, on the other hand, will refuse to believe the party's over and go native, hiding out in shrubbery to continue offering advice on a guerrilla basis, BlackBerry jammed between his teeth and the last three surviving estate agents on speed-dial.
Who else can guide us though the crisis? Channel 4, perhaps feeling that Scotland was partly guilty for having invented the Bank of England, dragooned two Scots into service: Rory Bremner and Niall Ferguson. The latter was fronting The Ascent Of Money, a show which in any other year might have pulled in the grand total of three-and-a-half viewers, but now seems like a scheduling masterstroke.
Ferguson's theory is that "financial history is the essential back-story behind all history". In a linen suit, he took us to Venice, home to the first moneylenders. From Shylock he moved on to Shettleston and, bravely, he was still wearing the suit. Ferguson's granny hails from this corner of Glasgow's East End, but so do loan sharks and their heavies. Then he pitched up in Memphis, the bankruptcy capital of the world, where he found "an entire economic sector based on people being broke". When there's no equity left on your car, when you've pawned everything else, you pop down to ZLB Plasma and flog your own blood. "Everyone here," continued our guide, "is a little – how shall I say it? – sub-prime."
A personal disaster in medieval Italy and contemporary Shettleston, bankruptcy carries no social stigma in the US, however. "This ability to walk away unscathed from unsustainable debt and start again has been a defining characteristic of American capitalism," insisted Ferguson, citing notable bankruptees Mark Twain, Buster Keaton and Henry Ford. Maybe not for much longer, though.
As The Ascent Of Money began, Bremner, Bird And Fortune: Silly Money ended. Rory Bremner can do no wrong in my book, but I watch his shows wondering if this will be the one where he goes soft and flabby and relies too heavily on funny voices from the past. It never is, and his rigour and research must terrify many of the politicians he lampoons.
In this one, post-capitalism's almighty failure, he had tremendous fun imagining a Communist tomorrow for us all. His Prince Charles ascended to the throne in Maoist workwear. Ed Balls was appointed chairman of the Glorious People's Commissariat. Tony Benn snorted: "I told you so." And Peter Mandelson – in an echo of that famous story about him confusing mushy peas with guacamole on a rare encounter with the working class – declared that the country's salvation was "ordinary people doing what ordinary people do… making soft cushions or lettuces… what is it that happens in factories, exactly?" Rory Bremner is a national treasure, which shouldn't be confused with the nation's Treasury, especially at a time when it's so discredited, but he's yet to properly nail David Cameron.
Do rappers suffer during credit crunches? I Want To Work For Diddy suggests not, with the hip-hop superstar boasting: "I am the king!" Diddy, of course, is the artist formerly known as "Diddy" David Hamilton. Before that, he was known as Puff the Magic Dragon. He's diversified into acting, TV production and "one of the world's most renowned design labels" (for baseball caps, presumably). This Apprentice-style series has now been running for two weeks but he's yet to join in the selection process for his next PA. On a recent Imagine, Jay-Z couldn't be bothered showing Alan Yentob round the housing project where he grew up and sent along a minion as tour guide. Are rappers really lazy or what?
Do-Wah Diddy, or whatever he's called, wouldn't last a minute on I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here! which, early in its return, produced one of those couldn't-make-it-up moments where a retired TV Titaness (Esther Rantzen) was comforted over the death of her husband by a WAG (Carly Zucker) and a Page 3 girl (Nicola McLean).
Rantzen couldn't have predicted telly would have gone this way, not even when her concept of prime-time entertainment on That's Life! was odd-shaped vegetables. But the bond between the women seems real enough. Later, when the pneumatic McLean faced a challenge suspending her upside down, a concerned Rantzen remarked: "Oh dear, I hope she doesn't give herself two black eyes."
PICK OF THE WEEK
Survivors
BBC1, today & Tuesday, 9pm
With everyone from Pixar to Cormac McCarthy waxing post-apocalyptic, our fondness for End of the World tales shows no sign of abating. The BBC have mounted this slick reinterpretation of one of 1970s TV's more potent dystopian nightmares. But while most small-screen remakes are depressing exercises in creative bankruptcy, this offering may well be the most invigorating new drama of the year.
Tonight's opening episode inflicts a lethal virus on an unprepared human race. With most of humanity killed within days the panicked survivors, suddenly plunged into a world bereft of electricity and running water, flee the cities. It's a chilling set-up, albeit one tainted by a sense of over-familiarity in the wake of 28 Days Later and I Am Legend.
Mercifully, the first instalment is merely a prelude to a far more intriguing narrative. With civilisation swiftly relegated to memory, the show's disparate collective of flawed characters must grapple with the technical and moral challenges of building a new society, with Julie Graham, Phillip Reese and Max Beesley taking the leads.
BEST DOCUMENTARY
Cutting Edge: The Jacksons Are Coming
Channel 4, Thursday, 9pm
With the Jackson family name now long synonymous with tabloid scandal, one might expect this documentary, charting the clan's efforts to relocate to Devon, to trade in cheap sensationalism. Instead filmmaker Jane Preston delivers something far more unexpected: a thoughtful look at the burden of celebrity.
With Michael conspicuous by his absence, it's elder sibling Tito, evidently the calm centre of this familial vortex, who holds sway. A keen boater, he's hoping that the sleepy fishing village of Appledore will provide both an outlet for his pursuits and a paparazzi-free sanctuary for his loved ones. Alas, his plans are threatened by a family friend.
Also try: True Stories: Mr Untouchable (More4, Tuesday, 10pm). The indispensable documentary strand continues with this profile of American drug lord Nicky Barnes
BEST HISTORY
High Society's Favourite Gigolo
Channel 4, Tuesday, 9pm
Four's High Society season affords us another well-appointed catalogue of scandal with this look at the life of black cabaret singer Leslie Hutchinson. "Hutch" was once Britain's foremost star, his enviable looks and musical finesse transcending the racial barriers of the interwar years. His offstage antics were no less notable. A prolific lover, his conquests are said to have included Cole Porter and Tallulah Bankhead. But a scandalous liaison with Lady Mountbatten was to prove his undoing.
Also try: History Of Scotland (BBC1, tomorrow, 9pm). Neil Oliver's spirited trek through the Caledonian annals continues with a look at the Declaration of Arbroath
BEST SCIENCE
Catastrophe
Channel 4, tomorrow, 9pm
Recent TV science offerings have fixated on the subject of cataclysm. This splendid series, however, ponders the catastrophic natural forces which helped shape our world. In this first instalment Tony Robinson explains how planetary collision and tectonic upheaval made life on Earth possible in the first place.
Also try: Horizon (BBC2, Tuesday, 9pm). Farmer and sustainable agriculture advocate Jimmy Doherty considers the pros and cons of genetically modified crops
BEST ARTS
Travels With Vasari
BBC4, Wednesday, 9pm
Art historian Andrew Graham-Dixon explores the wonders of the Renaissance as seen through the eyes of Giorgio Vasari, the 16th-century artist and architect whose monumental tome Lives Of The Artists gave posterity a first-hand account of the Renaissance. Peppered with sharp insights and boasting glimpses of works by Giotto and Donatello, it's a sumptuous feast for both mind and eye.
Also try: The Culture Show (BBC2, Tuesday, 10pm). A starry outing for the arts flagship as Mark Kermode basks in Angelina Jolie's exalted presence and Martin Freeman celebrates Motown's legacy
STAR WARS: EPISODE V – THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK
Today, STV, 4.25pm
Having destroyed the Death Star, Luke Skywalker finds himself a rebel on the run, as Darth Vader hunts him, Princess Leia and Han Solo. Visually and morally, George Lucas's finest hour. (1980)
MATILDA
Today, Five, 5pm
Mara Wilson (Miracle On 34th Street) brings Roald Dahl's clever little girl to life, with Danny DeVito as her father (and also director). Both he and Rhea Perlman's headmistress are insensitive to Matilda's ability, so the only option left for her is to use her special powers to make the grown-ups pay attention. (1996)
VENUS
Today, Channel 4, 10.05pm
Peter O'Toole and Leslie Philips are charming as two old toffs whiling away the days in cafés and theatres, until O'Toole's Maurice is visited by his electrifyingly brash young niece, and his passion for life is re-awoken. From a Hanif Kureishi screenplay. (2006)
THIS IS ENGLAND
Monday, Channel 4, 10pm
Shane Meadows sentimentally blends history and pop culture in this blistering look at the roots of Eighties skinhead culture, with a lead performance from teenager Thomas Turgoose, above, that became an instant classic. (2006)
BRICK LANE
Tuesday, Channel 4, 10pm
Monica Ali's best-selling novel is brought to life on the screen as Nazneen trades her life in Bangladesh for an arranged marriage in London. Initially living under strict orders, she glimpses potential freedom in the shape of a local man. (2007)
JOE STRUMMER: THE FUTURE IS UNWRITTEN
Wednesday, Channel 4, 11.40pm
Music documentary-maker Julien Temple cleverly pieces together tributes from the likes of Flea, Bono and Martin Scorsese with excerpts from Strummer's radio show and live footage of him over the years, from punk hero to his time with the Mescaleros, in this highly-rated biopic. (2007)
The full article contains 1987 words and appears in Scotland On Sunday newspaper.
