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Sunday, 29th November 2009 Change Date

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Ruth Walker

Ruth walker: Camilla Parker Bowles stuffed her brood full of junk food and they turned out all right THERE'S no fooooood," whines the Teenager through the iPhone ether as I'm trudging home from work, the weight of the world on my shoulders, and now burdened with the added responsibility of wondering what the blazes we're going to hav

Ruth Walker I DON'T much like getting told off. It takes me right back to those excruciating days at school, when I always seemed to be getting sent to the back of the biology hut after being caught gabbing for the ninth time in as many minutes. Sheesh! What

Ruth Walker THE family's collective excitement over my new iPhone continues apace. So much so that the Mild One insisted on getting an iTouch – the iPod version, which has all the bells and whistles of the games and the music but none of those pesky phone bi

Ruth Walker GADGETS? Yawn. Can't be bothered with camcorders, don't own a digital camera (though I do have my grandfather's old Box Brownie gathering dust somewhere) and phones are not for checking e-mails, downloading music, playing games or

Ruth Walker: A spider the size of Shelob is straddling the terracotta tiles between the tumble dryer and the cereals

Ruth Walker: 'They can say what they like, but an all-expenses paid holiday beats trying to teach the oiks in the classroom'

Ruth Walker: So familiar are they with virtual communication, my children have even begun to balk at using the telephone'

Ruth Walker: Complicated check-in procedure complete, you must go through the ritual humiliation known as security

Ruth Walker: I arrive looking gloriously tanned and get gradually whiter as the fortnight progresses

Ruth Walker: What is this aversion children have to putting rubbish where it belongs? My kitchen is a cardboard graveyard

Ruth Walker: 'We tried bribing her, threatening her, then strapping her to the chair with duct tape'

Ruth Walker: With the holiday season approaching we should just swim and bare it

Ruth Walker: Now and again the masseur ventures somewhere they shouldn't; somewhere, frankly, unwelcome

Ruth Walker: The purchase of appropriately padded undercrackers could prevent unnecessary bruising in the nethers

Ruth Walker: 'For two weeks my little cherubs have scattered shoes, socks and shirts around the house with gay abandon'

Ruth Walker: "I was never one of those teenagers to get a kick out of slipping a bottle of nail polish into their pocket or pilfering a handful of penny chews"

Ruth Walker: I've heard women dump boyfriends because their feet are too hairy, they have bad taste in shoes or can't dance

Ruth Walker: Some pinching might have been involved, and maybe a Chinese burn or two, but he refused to blab

Ruth Walker: "Pressure of work meant that for most of half-term the kids were left to roam the streets like feral crime magnets"

Ruth Walker: You carry them for nine months, you breastfeed them and lose your figure for them, and that's the thanks you get

Ruth Walker: Nothing would convince him of our sobriety, and we were escorted off the premises like common drunken tarts

Ruth Walker: A tidy house is a sure sign of a woman with too much time on her hands

Ruth Walker: "The mounting dread was similar to that felt in the days preceding the annual school Burns competition"

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