OUR waiter looked at me. He wasn't impressed with my choice of pudding, not impressed at all. I liked the look of the berry and amaretti crumble. He didn't. Or, at least, not for me.
"If I could just make a suggestion," he said as he began to broach the subject of my faulty decision. "I wouldn't choose the crumble. It's not really an appropriate choice for Sir."
"Er, why not?" I asked, taken aback.
"It's a gay pudding," he replied.
"It's a what?" spluttered Vicky.
"Sir will know what I mean by that, won't you, Sir," said the waiter. A horrible pregnant pause developed as they both waited for my response.
"Actually, I really don't know what you mean," I eventually managed. And I didn't.
"Well, it's a bit camp, a bit light and frothy. Sir would be better off with something more masculine, more substantial. Like the tarte tatin."
That was the point at which I began to wish we were the only people in Iris, the new restaurant in Thistle Street. We were almost alone, but not quite. Only one other table was filled, by a couple of trendily dressed young men with crewcuts who might easily have been on a first date. I tried to ignore them as they stopped eating and chatting to follow this exchange, goggle-eyed.
I suppose I shouldn't have been too surprised. The waiter and front-of-house man in question was David Ramsden, a legendary figure in Edinburgh restaurant circles. When he ran the achingly hip Rogue, on Morrison Street, a sadly departed favourite of mine, he was famous for his eccentric behaviour. Some of the stories about him are possibly untrue, but the fact they are given any credence at all is a powerful testament to Ramsden's larger-than-life persona.
As it happens, despite having a beautiful wife, the immensely likeable Ramsden is a little on the camp side himself, and could easily be mistaken for one of the lads from Right Said Fred. His front-of-house theatrics can enliven any evening, and it's not entirely beyond the realms of possibility that he recognised me from past encounters and was just trying to make an impression. As ever, he certainly managed that.
In fact, he probably made more of an impression than Iris itself did. The restaurant is on the site of what used to be Monster Mash, a spud-based fast-food joint that was perennially packed out. Although it's still early days, Iris appears to be struggling to stand out from the crowd, despite its tastefully modern décor and central location.
There are many reasons for that, not least that its owners decided to launch during the quietest period of the year. But a contributory factor is almost certainly the quality of the food. The reports I'd received before my visit were not terribly favourable and were borne out by our experience.
Our starters were certainly the high point. Vicky's juicy scallops wrapped in Parma ham proved to be a solid opener, while my thinly sliced baked lamb loin was full of flavour, even if it wasn't quite as tender as I'd have hoped. The main quibble with the starters, though, was their price. Iris is a hundred yards from Café Marlayne, one of the capital's finest easy-eating restaurants, and two starters at well over £8 each just doesn't compare well on the value-for-money stakes.
The main courses were far more sensibly priced (although the need to add a side order pushed the cost up), but that was where the good news ended. Vicky's rack of lamb was disgustingly fatty, with much of it left on the side of the plate. My pork fillet was so bland and had such a curiously pasty consistency that I had to examine the grain of the meat in minute detail to reassure myself that it wasn't some form of reconstituted meat.
By the time we got to pudding, I was so hungry I ordered three helpings. As well as a gloriously chocolatey cake and a curious tarte tatin that was just stewed apple heaped on top of a pastry base, I eschewed Mr Ramsden's advice and ordered the camp crumble.
I can't vouch for the pudding's sexuality, but, gloriously light and bursting with a range of fruity flavours, it was undoubtedly the high point of our meal, even if that isn't really an accolade worth shouting about.
VITAL STATISTICSIris 47a Thistle Street, Edinburgh (0131 220 2111,
www.irisedinburgh.co.uk)
Out of pocket Starters £5.20–£8.90 main courses £9.90–£14.90 (side dishes £2.40–£4.90) puddings £3.90–£4.20 (cheeseboard £6.90)
Rating 4/10
The full article contains 793 words and appears in Scotland On Sunday newspaper.
