THERE are times when a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do. Hence – not a word to use lightly, if at all – in the past few days I have again been balancing on a ladder or bending, kneeling, neck-cricking and occasionally leaning backwards, paintbrush in hand.
Both hands at times because what I like to think of as the only factor in my favour when painting is that I'm ambidextrous. Up there, reaching for the stars, or at least trying to get round the light base without leaving brush marks, I think of the a
dvantage it would have been for some great painters of the past with acres of canvas or ceiling to cover and an impatient client below with an eye on the calendar.
Even at my level, with no cherubs, gods, shipwrecks, Napoleonic retreats or Last Supper to paint between the cooker and the fridge, ambidexterity can double the area covered with each move of the ladder and make it easier to reach awkward corners.
A pity the result is much the same with either hand, but I'm conscientious and do my best. I have also, all appearances to the contrary, learned a little over the years, knowledge I'm now happy to share:
1. Do not attempt to balance paint tray, roller and brush on the top step of the ladder while trying to blow your nose. The time taken to come down to ground level is well worth it.
2. Recognise that the willingness of children to help is in inverse proportion to their ability. At five it is difficult to keep them away from a wet brush and open tin. At 15 it is impossible to get them near either.
3. Do not attach a roller and brush to opposite ends of the same wooden pole. The theory is admirable – cover the upper reaches of a high lobby from the landing without a ladder – but no one likes a wet paintbrush up their skirt.
4. The rule is that paint is not easily removed from a carpet. The corollary is that the more expensive the carpet the bigger the splotch of paint. Use sheets at all times.
5. Do not be tempted to tip what is left in one tin of paint into another before ascertaining, a) that they are the same colour, b) that both are either emulsion or gloss and not one of each. This can save an animated discussion.
6. Always buy too much paint. It is better to be left with half a tin to set solid on the garage shelf than find yourself desperately polishing the bottom of a tin with a brush trying to cover the last square foot of wall.
7. Minimise distance between tin or tray and area of application – a loaded brush is lethal.
8. Two people, especially when one is using a small stepladder, should not attempt to work back to back in the same corner where one door opens out and two open in.
9. In a kitchen do not think you can work round utensils, crockery, food mixer or kettle. There is a limit to the number of times you can pass off paint flecks as Emma Bridgewater.
10. When the missed bit is pointed out, a deep sigh is acceptable. Hysterics are not.
Many more hints could be given, but 10 is traditional. Happy painting.
The full article contains 584 words and appears in Scotland On Sunday newspaper.
