WHAT AN anticlimax. Neither a UEFA Cup final nor a Premier League "Super Sunday" was ever likely to match the first big sporting encounter of last weekend and neither did.
The words "Hello Lorraine in Coupar Angus," were hardly out of James Traynor's mouth on BBC Scotland's Your Call, and celebrity whinger Lorraine Kelly was off and running. "I am absolutely scunnered. I've actually gone from being scunnered and angr
y to being weary of it," chattered Kelly in her opening salvo.
Her target was Mike McCurry, who had committed crimes against her beloved Dundee United by failing to award a penalty, chalking off a goal, and banging home Rangers' third from 30 yards. It was just not fair, whined Kelly, we need a solution. "Whether it's referees from England or referees in from Vladivostok I really don't care."
"Lorraine, are you reading a script?" enquired Traynor, gallantly avoiding the term "idiot board". "No, I'm talking. Don't be so cheeky. You mean the autocue. I don't really need that in real life."
And she didn't. She went on and on, a full four minutes until finally she paused for breath. Traynor seized his chance: "What are you going to do – sit them on your settee and give them a telling?" Shortly afterwards the line went dead.
While Rangers had McCurry marshalling their shaky defences at Ibrox, on Sky, Manchester United had referee Steve Bennett to set up their first goal and to bolster their midfield by his refusal to send off Paul Scholes. It was predicable and dreary, ending with some old cove brandishing a silver cup and telling us about its tremendous value. By then, of course, I had flicked over to Antiques Roadshow.
And so to the City of Manchester Stadium, which was the place to be if your idea of a good night out is having 40,000 beer-filled partisans bouncing up and down beside you, like a scene from the famous "Aerobics for Bears" video.
For STV viewers denied that pleasure there were compensations in the pre-match coverage of the UEFA Cup final. But the game itself didn't live up to billing – what's the fun of watching Rangers if they don't grind out a bore draw and then win on pens? And the commentary was hopeless.
The problem here is Archie MacPherson, whose catch phrase is: "There it is. Woof." He long ago ceased good Motsonian practice of learning all the players' names before a game, operating instead on the assumption that viewers know the 'home' team, and don't care about the 'away' lot. So when Rangers fashioned just about their only chance of the first half, MacPherson's description ran to: "Neat little ball, can he cut it back? He can. There it is. Woof. Good move by Rangers. Promising." It was left to analyser Fraser Wishart to insert key words "Ferguson", "Darcheville" and "decent challenge by the defender".
As for the Russians, MacPherson wasn't trying at all. The only individual he could identify had the shortest name, Sirl. MacPherson pronounced it "Cyril" while the commentary team on BBC Radio were insisting on "Shirl". So who was he, Knowles or Bassey?
Two goals later and "Rangers' great European adventure" was over. Up in the studio, analysts Stuart McCall and Terry Butcher were crestfallen. That old Celt, Walker, was coping with a bad night for Scottish football rather better, sucking in his cheeks to stifle a grin. "There's so much more to play for – what kind of reaction will the Rangers players have," he wondered aloud to Butcher.
You sensed in Walker a man who rather hoped that the answer was the "Ibrox bubble has burst". And as the credits rolled I'm sure I heard him say: "C'mon, Terry, you bought the champagne – we might as well drink it."
The full article contains 647 words and appears in Scotland On Sunday newspaper.
