POOR beleaguered parents. For months they have been on their children's backs, nagging at them to study, study, study for their exams. Now, as they approach the final hurdle, their efforts have been sabotaged by The X Factor.
Scottish auditions for this year's programme have been scheduled for tomorrow (a school holiday, but the day before the Standard Grade English exam), raising fears that many starry-eyed teenagers will abandon their books to spend the day in the compa
ny of Simon Cowell and co.
Worse still, those lucky enough to make it through the first audition will be called back on Tuesday for a second one. Some pupils have already asked for the day off, sending commentators off into a vortex of panic about distorted values and the dangers of dumbing down.
A few have called on parents to take a tougher line, but that's not as easy as it sounds. Mothers and fathers may be great believers in the importance of a solid education, but where's the empirical evidence to back them up? There's no point trying to kid teenagers that a grasp of the English language is a prerequisite for success; not when so many of the country's most successful politicians, TV presenters and businessmen struggle to string a coherent sentence together.
Nor is the argument that The X Factor rewards only a tiny percentage of the most talented likely to convince, since young fans need only cite Leon Jackson (only passably talented, passably good-looking, passably charismatic) to prove you don't really need to have star quality to carry off the top prize.
Indeed, the advantage of The X Factor is that, unlike the education system, it has a genuine affection for mediocrity (particularly if it's packaged in that faux "Look at me, ah'm just a boy from a wee town in West Lothian and ah'm dancing with Kylie" kind of self-deprecation that Jackson excels in). And as for abject failure – well, the programme positively revels in it. There's nothing to be gained by being woefully bad at English. A poor appreciation of a given text or a failure to understand how to use apostrophes is unlikely to win you any special attention (unless you reveal that failure to all and sundry on The Apprentice).
But singing like a cat being neutered, or prancing around like a one-legged kangaroo, could see you secure a place not only on The X Factor's grand finale losers' slot, but in the YouTube hall of fame.
Oh yes, the Government may have tried to make the education system more inclusive, but it would have to go some to beat The X Factor in its capacity to embrace the poor, the downtrodden, the talentless, the deluded and the frankly unhinged.
You can see the attraction. And attending an audition on the day of an exam might place you at a slight advantage. As every X Factor expert knows, no one makes it to boot camp without a back story. And if you're not struggling to bring up a cute toddler alone on 55p a week; if your mother didn't die in a car crash as she rushed to deliver an X Factor application form to your home; if you didn't survive a hole-in-the-heart operation after being born 12 weeks premature, then you have to think more laterally.
Packaged in the right way, skipping your Standard Grade exam to go to an X Factor audition could be presented as "sacrificing everything in pursuit of your dream". It's not quite as effective as having your entire family slain in gang violence in London, but it's better than nothing.
Other critics have lobbied the production company Talkback Thames. But appealing to The X Factor makers' sense of social responsibility is a bit like appealing to Hitler's altruism. For those who haven't yet grasped it, the whole programme is just one big finger-up to established notions that hard work and dedication are their own rewards. It is the embodiment of a much more contemporary philosophy: that fame and fortune are best secured overnight and that anyone willing to sacrifice their dignity for a few seconds of airtime is "living the dream".
In any case, programme makers can hardly be held accountable for the priorities of their fans. Rangers are playing in the UEFA cup final on May 14 – the night before the English Higher. Is European football's governing body to be held accountable for all those youngsters who travel to Manchester when they should be revising? Or is the ability to see the bigger picture, to choose a long-term investment over instant gratification, as much an indicator of intelligence and maturity as the exam result itself?
The truth is that if you are looking for an excuse not to revise you don't need anything as compelling as an X Factor audition to distract you. When you're up to your elbows in past papers, even the prospect of cleaning out the kitchen cupboards seems appealing.
As for pupils skipping the exams themselves – it's always happened. At least those who spurn their Standard Grade English for The X Factor auditions will have a learning experience of sorts.
Of course, if my own children were threatening to spend the May Bank Holiday humiliating themselves for the delectation of the masses instead of cramming, my attitude towards the whole shebang would be less laissez-faire. Ultimatums would be issued, doors barricaded and ankles chained to desks. There would be long lectures on the transient nature of fame and the enduring value of the written word.
But I don't think I would see their mini-rebellion as symptomatic of wider cultural decline. Rather, I would take it as a positive sign that – despite the prevailing gloom – young people are as wilful, spirited and carefree as ever.
The full article contains 978 words and appears in Scotland On Sunday newspaper.
