SOME UNDERWHELMING Olympics scenesetting by Adrian Chiles the other day got me thinking.
If the money the BBC has spent on dispatching their cuddly allrounder to Beijing was somehow clawed back and diverted towards our plucky bunch of scruffs in the national football team, maybe we terrestrial fans could get 'Flower Of Scotland' piped fr
om
Hampden into our parlours.Then I thought this: if the BBC recalled
whichever of their spiky-haired children's favourites has been selected for "wacky" reports on the non-possibility of chicken feet being included in Team GB's approved diet, perhaps we could be allowed to see James McFadden & co kick off in a home game.
And finally this: if there was a slight reduction in the number of medal-shaped, access-all-areas laminated passes issued by the Corporation to former Olympians, we might just be able to watch
the first two opposition goals hitting the back of our net before diving out to the pub for the brave but ultimately doomed comeback.
The state broadcaster, as you must be aware, will not be screening Scotland's home internationals between 2010 and 2014 as a result
of the latest negotiations over transmission rights (once again, they've gone to Sky).
This would be depressing enough at any time, but my guess is the
BBC's coverage of these Olympics will make you feel even more miserable about it.
During the sporting spectacular we will be required to watch lots of variations on the "offbeat humour" which the BBC like to insert in their
programming.
I know you're wondering: "I remember Jake Humphrey, undaunted by cliché,
going in search of The Third Man in Vienna during Euro 2008. How can they possibly top that?"
The answer is they already have. During the same tournament, that man Chiles, undaunted by cliché, went in search of Sigmund Freud. Make no
mistake: at some point in Beijing – possibly at many points – the Beeb will set new Games records for cringeworthiness, contrived jollity and
what one wag has dubbed their "ongoing Blue Peterisation" of sporting competition.
I am not against the BBC covering the Olympics but I do object to rifle-shooting in some dreary faraway field being fronted by the presenter of
something called B A M Z O O Ki .
This is Humphrey's usual gig and while I'm sure kids love this "mixed
reality gameshow", its combination of upper and lowercase lettering annoys me intensely.
Was the name decided at a "brainstorming" of "BBC creatives"? If so, how much did the meeting cost?
And what could the stuck-at-home Scottish football fan have got for that money – a twosecond glimpse of Kris Boyd on the subs' bench,
chewing gum?
Even that would be better than nothing. Even that would more properly qualify as "sport", courtesy of the broadcasting organisation
that is supposed to be serving our needs.
I still hope to enjoy these Olympics, but one last thought about Adrian Chiles: in struggling to find the words for Beijing, he was evoking an earlier trip out east by his beloved West Brom when the players inspected the Great Wall. Their verdict on this worldly wonder? "When you've seen one wall you've seen 'em all." Maybe they were right. Sure,
the wall is long, but is it any longer than the list of BBC credits, mentioning every rigger and every ligger, when a great tournament is finally over?
