WHO is the patron saint of cultural cliché? Is it St Patrick with his leprechaun hat, tin whistle and top-of-the-mornin' chirpiness? Is it St George with his warm beer, beefeater hat and maypole dancing? Or is it St Andrew stepping out from the misty glens with his flowing kilt, sgian dubh and wailing bagpipes?
All are likely candidates, each being invested with the most tired trappings of mainstream culture - the politically uncontentious, export-friendly romantic pickings from the dewy-eyed past.
Every so often, someone attempts to get down with the k
ids and spruce up their national day. St Patrick is given a gig by the Corrs, St George a singalong with Chas & Dave and St Andrew the greatest hits of Texas. And the kids don't buy it. It's as if we can't reconcile the complexities of a living culture - quizzical, contrary and contradictory - with the authority of a saint. As a result, we take the easy way out.
In Scotland, what aspect of nationhood do we expect to be enshrined on Wednesday when St Andrew gets his annual turn in the spotlight? Is it tartan and shortbread or something more sophisticated?
The question is a global one. This week a French MP, Daniel Mach, persuaded a court to consider his complaint about rapper Monsieur R and his song 'FranSSe'. The lyrics to this jaunty little number accuse France of being a "bitch" who should be treated "like a whore" and the accompanying video draws comparisons between the French state and the Nazis. Mach said he felt personally assaulted and wants the singer prosecuted. We can assume Monsieur R won't be cropping up on A Song For Europe too soon. But could we really argue that his lyrics, however unsavoury, aren't as valid an expression of life in France as the Marseillaise? Far from being prosecuted, shouldn't the rapper have an equal right to represent the country on July 14?
Is it any different in Scotland? Are we grown-up enough to imagine St Andrew's Day might embrace an angry rap star trashing the saltire or do we settle for the Golden Spurtle Award - and I'm not making this up - for the "best bowl of porridge in Fife" that's being presented during St Andrew's Week in St Andrews?
In fact, what we're getting on November 30 is a curious amalgam of the reactionary and the progressive. The Scottish Executive has latched on to the idea that a national day is a handy way to market Scotland abroad. A recent communiqué drew attention to the Executive's support for Caledonian balls in Nigeria, Turkey, Serbia, Saudi Arabia, Peru and elsewhere - an easy way to bolster a certain saleable image of the country.
But the Executive is also wary of the grim places the nationalistic impulse can lead to. Right-wing extremists in the US, for example, have cultivated an image of Scotland that's all to do with racial purity and macho freedom. That's not an impression a forward-looking democracy wants to project.
So they're giving us something called One Scotland with an all-things-to-all-people philosophy summed up by Finance Minister Tom McCabe in a statement almost meaningless in its inclusiveness: "It gives us the opportunity to celebrate together what we value about our national identity and the modern diversity of our communities."
What this means is a free ceilidh around an open-air stage in Edinburgh's Grassmarket and inside The Hub where acts including Dougie MacLean, Tartan Dholis, Peatbog Faeries, Wild Cigarillos Ceilidh Band and Croft 5 will strut their stuff beneath the Executive's "one Scotland, many cultures" slogan. This in itself is a good start to an ideology that has massive potential. The question now is where we go from here.
The Executive says it wants to build on this year's inaugural programme with an "even more ambitious" series of events in future years. As the ministers prepare for that, perhaps they should reflect on St Andrew's Day 2003, when First Minister Jack McConnell set out his mission to put culture at the heart of government. "Culture will not be an add-on. It will be at the core of everything we do," he promised.
Two years on, with a Cultural Commission report gathering dust on a shelf, is it not time to convince the arts community that his policy carries more meaningful weight?
