RED TOP REVIEW A right royal donkey There are a couple of first class examples of red top rudeness towards those in power today, both of them courtesy of The Sun. Tucked away on page 14 is a picture of the Duch
ess of Cornwall petting Porridge the donkey at the garden party in Aboyne, Aberdeenshire. Those guys at The Sun can't resist the obvious. "Camilla was feeling right at home yesterday - as she hugged a loveable big-eared ass. The wife of giant-lugged Prince Charles was at an event for charity."
Click here to read full story Porky politician gets up close with glamour girl John Prescott gets the treatment a couple of pages later. "2 Jags and 2 jugs" says the headline above a picture of the former deputy Prime Minister with "blonde glamour model" Jodie Marsh. "One of these two people has screwed half of Britain - and the other is Jodie Marsh," says The Sun. "Roly-poly MP Two Jags, who gave the country a right seeing-to while deputy Prime Minister, even shared a gruesome kiss on the lips with Two Jugs Jodie."
Click here to read full story Women scrap over school gym shoes Let's turn to the Daily Record for evidence that the UK has preserved a few of its gentler traditions. Remember those classic, black, slip-on gym shoes everyone wore for PE at school? Well, those of you who don't have primary school age kids may be surprised to learn - in this day of £100+ trainers - that they still exist. And those of you who do have primary school age kids may know there has been a scramble for them ahead of the new academic year. The Record has the story of two mums who fought over the last pair in a BHS store in Dundee. A witness told the paper: "The black pumps are like gold dust at the start of term and the lady that picked them up wasn't going to hand them over without a fight. They were trying to punch and slap each other and were calling each other every name under the sun."
Click here to read full story BUSINESSBy Rosemary Gallagher
Retail sales defy expectations Retail sales increased by 0.8% last month, according to the latest figures from the Office for National Statistics.
The unexpected jump went against analyst predictions of a 0.3% drop and called the scale of the consumer slowdown into question. The growth in sales may also reduce the possibility of an imminent cut in interest rates.
Geoffrey Dick, economist at Royal Bank of Scotland, said: "Despite an intensifying squeeze on household budgets, the UK consumer is down but by no means out."
TELEVISIONBy Chitra Ramaswamy
Maggoty meals Matt Allwright and Anita Rani dish up more horror stories from the kitchen. Allwright sends an undercover reporter to investigate standards at a national pub chain while Rani poses as the boss of a cleaning company to get behind the scenes at a kebab shop. Unless you like maggots with your meat, you might not approve of their standards of cleanliness. Not to be watched with a TV dinner.
Rogue Restaurants, BBC1, 8.30pm
Absolutely football This new comedy series follows the fortunes of Ashburn United Football Club, but if that doesn't sound like a laugh a minute, be assured by the brains behind it: Absolutely's Moray Hunter and Jack Doherty. Think mockumentary on under 11s football, which sounds really quite funny.
The Cup, BBC2, 9.30pm
Gok watching
Gok Wan can do no wrong, even when he's doing a bit of a Relocation, Relocation, Relocation and revisiting past success stories instead of creating new ones. So in tonight's episode he goes back to meet Lucy Govan, a former tomboy who felt fat and unfeminine until she was Gok'd. Naturally, her life hasn't been the same since.
How To Look Good Naked, Channel 4, 8pm
FASHION
By Kayt Turner
Pictured (left to right): Molly Shea; Janae Alt; Patricia Field and friend
It's a strange wee day. Seems like the world's celebrities are staying in and washing their hair. Or getting someone else to wash it for them. Ah well, it gives the Z-List a chance to shine. Shame they haven't exactly done that.
Sunset Tan
Proving that the public will watch anything on TV, this is the DVD launch for series one of Sunset Tan, a reality show about, wait for it, a tanning salon in LA.
Anyway, young Molly Shea here is a 'star' of said show. Strange, because she seems quite pale for a tanning expert. Thankfully, her skin isn't Jodie Marsh orange as my eyes are still smarting from that pink top, flush with flowers, mock tattoos and shiny type. Enough already.
Sunset song
And this is Molly's boss, Janae Alt. I think it's obvious that, by wearing this monochrome outfit, Janae is trying to set herself apart from the gaudy mess that is Molly. Shame she looks like she's about to take your drinks order before rollerskating back to the service hatch.
Sun set
By the time the Sex And The City roadshow had hauled its sorry ass over to Japan, the gals were spent. They, like us, are totally over it now. It was left to Patricia Field to fly the glamour flag. We're all for not adhering to the strictures of modern fashion, wearing what you like and being yersel' kinda thing - but who in their right minds wears a tight, short dress and then chooses to walk alongside a 12-foot stick wearing a trouser suit?
SPORT
Britain looks to athletics team for glory
Team GB's slide down the medals table from the lofty position of third is expected to be reversed in the next few days as athletics becomes the major focus of the Beijing Olympics.
Those desperate to see another British success on the track should make sure they are watching the BBC coverage this afternoon when Phillips Idowu competes in the men's triple jump. Idowu is considered the UK's best hope for another gold and has already posted two of the longest jumps in the world this year.
Team GB head regatta league
Britain won their 17th gold of the Games this morning when Iain Percy and Andrew Simpson triumphed in the sailing Star class. It was the British team's fourth gold medal – and sixth overall – of the sailing competition, making them the top country in the regatta.
INTERNETWebsite of the day
It's the worst hoax since Ally MacLeod promised he would bring the World Cup back to Scotland in 1978. Two American Bigfoot hunters sparked international interest when they claimed to have to recovered a body of the legendary creature. Sadly, it soon became painfully obvious that the "Sasquatch" was little more than a monkey suit stuffed with butchers' offcuts.
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=Kn9az1b39IQ
The full article contains 1153 words and appears in Scotland On Sunday newspaper.
