A group of intrepid British explorers have donned their pith helmets and headed to the southern Russian republic of Kabardino Balkaria on the trail of the fabled Caucasian Yeti – known as the Almasty.
For decades Russian boffins have searched in vain for proof that tales of terrifying apemen with conical-shape heads are more than Stolichnaya-fuelled fantasies.
Now Professor Bryan Sykes, the eminent Oxford University geneticist, has sponsored the latest expedition.
The monster hunt also attracted the attention of Channel 4, which agreed to send along a fearless camera crew to record the Centre for Fortean Zoology's mission.
The team thought they had struck the bigfoot jackpot almost straight away when a wizened goatherd informed them that he could produce a genuine Almasty tooth – as well as locks of its hair.
Sadly, the giggling yokel, doubtless three sheets to the wind on fermented yak milk, later claimed that the fang had been "spirited away" by a djinn, or evil spirit, while his proffered fur samples turned out to be little more than fibres from an over-ripe Slavic turnip.
Undeterred, the group explored snake and jackal-infested caves and forests and were rewarded by finding what they believe is a woodland "nest" that had recently been used by a kipping Yeti.
Expedition member Richard Freeman said: "It didn't appear to have been made by any animal that I could recognise that was indigenous to the area. We found around 20 hairs there which can be analysed and we can get the DNA extracted from them, too."
Better still, the team found the finger bones of an unidentified animal as well as several piles of poo, which could prove once and for all what mankind's long-lost cousin has for dinner (probably Domino's Pizza with added lemming, moose and cricket).
Resisting the temptation to flummox Gillian McKeith, the scat-obsessed TV diet dragon, the team have packaged up the Yeti dung and are preparing to have it sent to a laboratory.
Hopefully it will turn out to be to genuine, but I suspect the verdict will be: "You are the weakest missing link. Goodbye."
http://almasty.blogspot.com/ Cock of the walk on YouTube Student Calvin Morett has been hauled in front of a court, fined, sentenced to perform community service and ordered to make a grovelling public apology to the affronted citizens of Saratoga Springs, New York.
The 19-year-old's crime? He turned up at a graduation ceremony at the Saratoga Performing Arts Centre dressed as a comedy fancy dress phallus.
Morett's appearance in the inflatable outfit provoked laughter and applause from his peers, but the irate principal failed to see the funny side and the youngster was frogmarched away in handcuffs.
The end-of-term caper saw the youth being found guilty of obscene behaviour and disorderly conduct.
His lawyer, who seems to be the only party to have retained his sense of humour, claimed it was the clear case of the law "using a sledgehammer to crack a nut".
Morett may no longer be deemed an upstanding citizen, but he has become a cult hero on YouTube, where his antics have been watched by tens of thousands.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hK5dtjKkDKYBelieve it or notForget botox, face-lifts or eye-watering expensive lotions and potions.
The secret to eternal youth has apparently been found and could have been yours for a mere £12.50.
An individual named High Priestess Christine D Winters attempted to sell a "Maximum Power Fountain of Youth Spell" on eBay.
The age-defying charm was said to be powerful enough to make a tortoise-like great-grandmother look and feel younger than Ronnie Wood's new girlfriend.
Winters wrote at the end of her gushing online sales pitch: "I'm sure you won't believe it is true."
It attracted precisely zero bids.
Maybe she has powers of premonition after all.
http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/MAXIMUM-POWER-FOUNTAIN-of-YOUTH-SPELL-cast-WITCH_W0QQitemZ380046663506QQcmdZViewItem?hash=item380046663506&_trksid=p3286.m14.l1318Weird WeekendWickerman Festival, Dundrennan, Galloway, Friday 25 and Saturday 26 July.
Join KT Tunstall, Gary Newman, Alabama 3 and The Fall and a 30-foot flaming effigy for this cult, family-friendly music festival.
http://www.thewickermanfestival.co.ukThe full article contains 749 words and appears in Scotland On Sunday newspaper.
