The dead, it seems, are rising from their graves and terrifying the living.
The dearly departed are lurching and groaning back to life to
star in a low-budget movie.
Amateur film-maker Bryony Matthewman issued an online appeal, via YouTube, for a volunteer army of the undead to appear in a hastily put together horror movie.
Matthewman, it transpires, was inspired by a bizarre episode on the Tube in London, where she was approached by a complete stranger who bit her on the arm before running off.
"I got to thinking that maybe he was a sort of real-life zombie," she said.
"Then it struck me that it would be great fun to make a zombie film, complete with exploding heads and people opening their hands to reveal eyeballs."
Her ghoulish invitation has been viewed by more than 300,000 mortals and has attracted walking cadavers – presumably seeking posthumous fame – from around the globe.
Matthew's macabre masterpiece is due to have its (black carpet?) premiere on Halloween.
BBC Three has succumbed to the project's voodoo-like charm and has agreed to broadcast both the final product and a series of making-of shockumentaries.
We are assured that there is absolutely no truth in the suggestion that ITV offered the zombies the chance to become the resident studio audience on the Jeremy Kyle Show. (Apparently the hollow-eyed, animated corpses were ruled out after being judged to be too articulate as well as not sufficiently aggressive or dishevelled enough).
Horrified by Dracula flats at Slains Castle Continuing the sinister theme, can I be the first to suggest that a large stake be thrust into the bloated bloodsucker who is behind the plans to convert Slains Castle into "executive" holiday homes?
The gothic ruins, which cling dramatically to the cliffs near Cruden Bay, currently exude a spectacular, spine-tingling charm – especially on a misty Aberdeenshire evening.
Its haunting beauty is enhanced further when you are told that the fortress provided inspiration to a young Irish author by the name of Bram Stoker – who wrote part of his horror masterpiece while staying at the nearby Crookit Lum Cottage in 1895.
The Edinburgh-based Slains Partnership has been awarded outline planning permission to turn the 16th century stronghold into 35 anaemic-sounding "vacation apartments".
I trust that the editor of
Bite Me – Scotland's only vampire magazine – will be urging its fanged followers to lead the campaign to keep Slains as a spooky place of pilgrimage.
Better still, why not restore the castle to its former glory – and then run it as a Dracula themed museum and hotel?
Stiff warning for tombstone hunters Sadly, there are no vampires, zombies, or even bodysnatchers, to be found at
scottishgraveyards.org.uk.
Instead, this deathly dull (but extremely worthy) site is dedicated to the conservation of the nation's historic cemeteries.
Sadly, it seems that not even death itself provides sanctuary from
the ashen-faced agents of the health and safety brigade.
Those who are tempted to take up studying tombstones as a hobby are given a lengthy warning so as to prevent them from ending up in an early grave.
It cautions: "Whilst graveyards are not inherently dangerous places, the potential for injury still remains.
"Ensure that all cemetery workers, including volunteers, are fully informed about the nature and dangers of the work and have received appropriate training to enable them to undertake the task."
It's enough to make your Burke and Hare (if you've got any) stand on end.
Weird WeekendsThe Pagan Federation Summer Camp. Friday 18 July – Sunday 20 July.
Inchberry Hall, Inchberry, Moray.
Maypole dancing, meditation and live music with Moonshine Madness!
• If you discover any stories or websites that are bizarre, bamboozling or just plain barking – or want to suggest an event for the weird weekend calendar – send them to me at
mhorne@scotlandonsunday.comThe full article contains 652 words and appears in Scotland On Sunday newspaper.
