IS IT only in Scotland that the football season lasts about two years? It does, doesn't it? Stretches on for an eternity.
I mean, do you remember the opening day of the SPL when an element of the Rangers support embarrassed their club with their sectarian singing in Inverness?
How long ago does that seem? James McFadden's wonder goal in Paris was forever ago, not aut
umn time. It feels like more than a matter of months since Spartak Moscow were beaten on penalties at Celtic Park and since that nutter ran on to the pitch and flicked Dida in the head.
The racist abuse of Jean-Claude Darcheville and DeMarcus Beasley in Montenegro may as well have been a lifetime removed. Rangers' 3-0 Old Firm victory, John Collins' resignation at Easter Road, peace and quiet at Gretna. All so distant now.
In honour of the great and the good and the not so good we dedicate the column this week to a review of the football season, all two years of it. Gongs galore for those who stood up or fell down under the pressure of the last 10 months, those who dominated the headlines or just appeared fleetingly in cameos that warrant a salute. After painstaking research and hours of thought the awards list goes like this…
Tabloid Target of the YearWinner: Manuel Gonzalez
Congratulations Manuel, your triumph is richly deserved. The abuse you got after awarding a free-kick against Alan Hutton in the Scotland v Italy game at Hampden was astounding. Alex McLeish more or less called you a cheat. The tabs said you were corrupt to your bootlaces. You were painted as the one of the great villains of the 21st century for giving Italy a free-kick. Astonishing. The citation on your gong comes straight from the pages of the Daily Record: "This man is either bent or out of his depth. If Gonzalez has anything about him he will issue an apology to Scotland. We've had our throats cut by a ref whose job is to uphold the laws of the game."
2nd: Robert McHendry, the happy slapper of Parkhead. What he did was idiotic but the vitriol that came down on him after flicking Dida in the head was unreal. Even Alex Salmond gave him a verbal kicking.
3rd: Lex Gold, the man who cheated Rangers out of the SPL title by his intransigence on the fixture list. Lex is not somebody you'd go out of your way to support but he was the softest of soft targets and took a shellacking from the pro-Rangers lobby.
Champion Swordsman of 2008Winner: Mike McCurry
A man of the cloth who has been a little devil. Well done, Mike, the tales of your bonking exploits in the car parks of our football stadiums make you the runaway winner in this category. After Craig Levein tried to bury your career as a whistler and the Record (again) attempted to finish your day job with their kiss 'n' tell extravaganza we hope this award brings you comfort in these difficult times.
Gag of the YearWinner: Aiden McGeady
With wise-guys like Ally McCoist around you wouldn't expect a quiet lad like McGeady to triumph but his acceptance speech on the night he won the Players' Player of the Year award clinched it. You might remember that Nacho Novo had noised him up in the Old Firm derby just gone, saying he had McGeady in his pocket the whole day. McGeady began his victory speech thus: "Firstly I'd like to thank Nacho Novo for allowing me out of his pocket to be here tonight." Wonderful. Now, it sounds suspiciously like a line, say, Neil Lennon may have given him but what the hell.
Player of the YearWinner: Carlos Cuellar
Faced stiff competition from Parkhead, Fir Park and from his own backyard at Ibrox but Cuellar has been consistently excellent; a fine reader of the game, big and strong and athletic, he'll be playing Premiership football before too much longer. A bid of £10m wouldn't be out of the way.
Scandal of the YearWinner: Manchester and all that.
1st: Martin Bain and his cheerleaders in the media saying the rioters at the UEFA Cup final were not wearing Rangers colours.
2nd: The Rangers apologists who blamed every body and every thing for the trouble except the violent morons who perpetrated it.
3rd: UEFA for walking away from the problem like cowards.
4th: UEFA for continuing to preach zero tolerance on sectarianism and racism while ignoring repeated and blatant prejudice in football. Shame on them.
Blunder of the YearWinner: A dead-heat
1st: Mike 'The Swordsman' McCurry wins his second award for his hapless performance at Ibrox when he disallowed a perfectly good goal for Dundee United and didn't give them a blatant penalty. And let's not get started on all those red cards that Levein wanted dished out to the Rangers players.
1st: Eduardas Kurskis. Eighty six minutes gone at Ibrox and the scores are locked at 1-1. Step forward Mister Ed, the great fumbler of Tynecastle.
Yellow Pages Award for Communicator of the YearWinner: Gordon Smith
Smith's love of the sound of his own voice undoes some of the decent work he does at Hampden. His intervention at the unveiling of George Burley was not his finest moment nor was the excruciating radio interview he gave to BBC Scotland a few days later. He didn't tell Mark McGhee he hadn't got the Scotland job because he didn't have his phone number, because his secretary was off sick, because he was writing him a letter, because, because, because. The most embarrassing piece of radio of our times.
Team of the YearA devil-may-care 4-3-3
GK: Allan McGregor. Hugely improved, commanding and a top class shot stopper.
RB: Paul Quinn. Ruined his end of season with a nightclub fight but a class act when not scrapping in a disco.
CB: Carlos Cuellar. In a word, formidable.
CB: David Weir. In another word, unbelievable.
LB: Steven Hammell. Unsung but on-song since his January arrival. Big part of Motherwell's success.
RM: Stephen Hughes. Quality passer, excellent reader of the game, immense.
CM: Barry Robson. Key man in the run-in. Big personality, big engine, huge heart.
LM: Aiden McGeady. Faded in the final months but was a major influence and a thrill for a long spell.
CF: Steven Fletcher. Clever, skilful and destined for great things.
CF: Scott McDonald. A goals machine. His manager hit the jackpot with this guy.
CF: Chris Porter. Big and strong with a fantastic strike-rate. Fantastic buy.
Result of the Year1st: France 0 Scotland 1: Will it ever be bettered?
2nd: Aberdeen 3 Queen of the South 4: Still jaw-dropping now and probably forever more.
3rd: Lyon 0 Rangers 3: The meaning of life is easier to figure out than this sensational victory.
Goal of the Year1st: James 'The Fadiator' McFadden: He was over 50 yards out when he shot you know.
2nd: Shunsuke Nakamura: Long-range, swerving belter against Rangers at Parkhead.
3rd: Nacho Novo: Vicious volley off his weak side against Dundee United.
Filip Sebo Award for most disappointing newcomerWinner: Massimo Donati
Cost plenty and delivered little, Celtic's surge to the title only started in earnest when Gordon Strachan accepted that Donati wasn't up to it. Meanwhile, has anybody seen Alan Gow lately?
The Eagle Eye Award for best value purchaseWinner: A three-way tie.
1st: Scott McDonald. Cost tuppence ha'penny and delivered goals against everybody, not just the easy targets but in Europe and in the big championship-deciding SPL games. Also sounds like he was a whirlwind of positivity around Parkhead.
2nd: Chris Porter. Eighteen goals including four in the three critical games that secured a UEFA Cup spot for Motherwell. Falkirk and Killie the only SPL teams he didn't score against.
3rd: Stephen Hughes: One of the most elegant midfielders in the league and arguably the finest passer. Brought great authority to the Motherwell midfield.
4th: Andy Dorman: Signed in January from New England Revolution, the midfielder has provided a creative spark and a touch of class at Love Street.
Last word:Rest in peace, Phil O'Donnell and Tommy Burns.
