THE man of destiny "is a fake". Holyrood was reeling last night after astonishing allegations that the First Minister is a phoney. Disturbing rumours that Alex Salmond, for so long the most revered icon of Scottish xenophobia, is not the genuine article sent shock waves through the political class.
The history of this national treasure is well known. Seven years ago, to the despair of a grieving Scotland, Salmond was taken to London with just four companions and placed on a bench in Edward Longshanks' gloomy Palace of Westminster. There he rema
ined, though there were repeated alleged sightings of him, usually at Newmarket, for six years while Scotland groaned under the yoke of New Labour.
Then came the glorious events of 2007 and Salmond's triumphant return to Scotland amid scenes of rejoicing and almost unbearable emotion. Initially there was some debate over where he should be housed. Balmoral was suggested, but ruled out because of its distasteful association with the conception of Leo Blair. So Bute House was chosen instead. Since then, Salmond has attracted an endless stream of visitors who have come to Holyrood to gaze, awe-struck, at this legendary monument to Scottish self-importance.
Now this idyll has been shattered by claims that this is not the genuine Salmond. There are two contending allegations. The first maintains that the real Salmond never left Scotland, but was kept concealed by an ancient Celtic abbot named Kenyon Wright. The other insists that the Salmond who returned from London was a substitute. Whatever the truth, these allegations have caused consternation among nationalists.
Senior politicians are remaining tight-lipped. Annabel Goldie, leader of the non-aligned, apolitical Scottish Tories and holder of the historic office of Seller of the Pass, would not be drawn during the ceremony of Elevenses at Holyrood, when she presented the First Minister with her traditional home-baked Scone of Stone. Nicol Stephen refused to comment when journalists wondered if his uncharacteristic refusal to join a coalition with Salmond – and all the red-box patronage that involves – was due to suspicions that the First Minister was an impostor.
A disillusioned SNP supporter from the party's fundamentalist wing claimed: "If what we were seeing was the real Salmond, he would have savaged Gordon Brown, nationalised North Sea oil and declared independence. Instead, he won't so much as hold a referendum. He hasn't even described the Iraq and Afghan wars as 'unpardonable folly'. And where is the penny for Scotland on tax that we were once promised?"
If the First Minister were proved to be bogus, it would be a terrible blow to nationalists. Some are taking comfort in an old prophecy of the Brahan Seer: "I see a man, and him with two faces, and at his side one named Donald from across the great ocean whose hair is terrifying to see. Together they walk upon the sands of Menie – they that are called Links and one day will truly be so – and every grain of sand is turned to gold. And he will be anointed with holy oil from the sea and raised to a place of power. But – Ochone! Ochone! – it is a terrible catastrophe that will be in it when the sea runs dry."
Last night Salmond loyalists rushed to defend the authenticity of the First Minister. "Of course Alex is the real deal," said one. "Some politicians would have been afraid of making prats of themselves by demanding a Scottish Olympic team or a separate presence for Scotland at UN talks on nuclear weapons – but Alex went for it."
One ecologically conscious activist said: "By banning nuclear power, Alex has made a significant contribution to saving the world. After Hunterston B closes in 2016 and Torness in 2023, with no replacements, Scotland's energy consumption will be cut by 40% – that's an impressive reduction."
A leftist supporter insisted Salmond's socialist credentials had remained consistent. "He has committed £1.3bn to keeping Scottish Enterprise afloat over three years and although he's abolished 50 quangos, their members will be safely re-deployed into local government. That's the Alex we knew in the 79 Group. Local Income Tax is an overdue revenge for the Poll Tax. It's time to skim some of those fat cats on £24,000 a year. Now the SNP has its own Poll Tax."
The mystery of whether the Man of Destiny is genuine remains, for the immediate future, unresolved. Meantime, most commentators seem content to give this hallowed national totem the benefit of the doubt. Even if this is not the true Salmond, a First Minister with the hubris to tell his party conference "We can make Westminster dance to a Scottish jig" is sufficiently wreathed in the mists of Brigadoon to substitute for the original article. For the moment, there is no sign of public credulity waning.
The full article contains 816 words and appears in Scotland On Sunday newspaper.