The 50 Best Jokes of the Edinburgh Fringe 2016
If Mr T had gone to University for longer he could have been M.A Baracus. -
Mark Smith, Cowgatehead, 5.30pm
My doctor was quite a large man. He looked like the only thing he’d ever cured was pork. -
James Farmer, Bannerman’s, 12.30pm
In France, J-Lo is known as I have water -
Adam Hess, The Hive, 4.10pm
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Hide AdWomen everywhere will look at Hillary Clinton as President and think, you can do anything you want to do. As long as your husband does it first. -
Michelle Wolf, Pleasance Courtyard, 9.30pm
If Scotland leaves, the United Kingdom will have to call itself the Former United Kingdom, which will be a pretty cool acronym. -
Nazeem Hussain, Assembly George Square, 8pm
I’ve been happily married for four years – out of a total of 10-
Mark Watson, Pleasance Courtyard, 9pm
If you don’t know Grindr, it’s like Pokemon Go, but you catch STDs.-
Tom Ballard, Assembly George Square, 9.15pm
“My motto in life is always give 100%. Which makes blood donation quite tricky.” -
Tony Cowards, Just the Tonic: The Mash House, 4pm
Hey, if anyone knows how to fix some broken hinges, my door’s always open. -
Paul F Taylor, Bannerman’s 4.15pm
I heard Myleene Klass was returning to pop music, but it was only Hear’Say. -
Myra Dubois, Gilded Balloon, 9.15pm
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Hide AdI’m bringing sexy back. I hope it’s got a two-week warranty.-
Neal Portenza, Underbelly, 8.15pm
How does Mr Miyagi eat his Babybel? Wax on – wax off. Olaf Falafel, City Cafe, 4.15pm
The kids at school used to call my mum the village bike. She wasn’t promiscuous; when I was six years old she went missing and they found her in the canal. -
Mat Ewins, The Hive, 9pm
I can see why people have been drawn to Nigel Farage, I’ve seen him speak and he’s funny and engaging. And I have to admit as an immigrant to this country, after listening to him for a few minutes, I wanted to leave. -
Erich McElroy, Bar 50, 1.20pm
I hate double standards. Why is it that if I have sex with loads of women I’m a player but if a woman does it she’s a lesbian?
- Jack Barry, Just The Tonic: The Mash House, 6.40pm
I bought my nephews some Cisformers for Christmas, they start off as cars and stay that way. -
Bethany Black, The Stand, 6pm
As an escapologist my father struggled to make a living. -
Phil Nichol, Assembly Checkpoint, 9.45pm
My brother was trying to brag about his three-year-old son. “He’s really smart for his age,” he said. But I was like, “Yeah, but he’s really stupid for my age.” -
Ari Shaffir, The Hive, 6.30pm
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Hide AdI went to a pub quiz in Liverpool and just for a laugh I put “The Beatles” or “Steven Gerrard” for every answer. Came second. -
Will Duggan, Pleasance Courtyard, 6.45pm
My goal in life is always turn the negative into the positive. Which is why I lost my job at the HIV clinic. -
Andrew Lawrence, Assembly Roxy, 8.30pm
People who use selfie sticks really need to have a good, long look at themselves.-
Abi Roberts, Voodoo Rooms, 4.15pm
I have the confidence to text a man first. And second. And third. And fourth. And fifth. And sixth. And seventh. Basically, till he answers. -
Sofie Hagen, The Liquid Rooms, 7.50pm
Wes Anderson is often praised for his use of colour. Which is ironic. -
Fin Taylor, Gilded Balloon: The Counting House, 11.15pm
Like a lot of Conservatives I grew up on an estate. The main difference was mine didn’t have a gamekeeper. -
Geoff Norcott, Underbelly Med Quad, 7.10pm
I met an estate agent who didn’t know the abbreviation for ‘apartment’. I thought, “that’s apt”. -
Darren Walsh, Pleasance Courtyard, 8.30pm
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Hide AdAt University I studied archaeology. I scraped through my exams. -
Stuart Mitchell, Pleasance Courtyard, 7.15pm
Being in love is like central heating… you turn it on before guests come over and pretend it’s like this all the time.-
Laura Lexx, Just the Tonic: The Mash House, 2.20pm
When I moved house, I teamed up with a white girl, an Asian girl and a black guy and we moved into the front cover of a university prospectus. -
Glenn Moore, Just the Tonic: The Caves, 6pm
I love Snapchat. I could talk about classic card games all day. -
Aatif Nawaz, Newsroom, 8.45pm
I asked all of my black and minority ethnic friends if they thought I was racist or not, and they both said that I wasn’t.-
Bridget Christie, The Stand, 11am
My mum loves mocking me – she described my 20th birthday party as “celebrating 20 years since Alex was last inside a woman.”-
Alex Kealy, Underbelly Med Quad, 9.50pm
It all starts innocently, mixing chocolate and Rice Krispies, but before you know it you’re adding raisins & marshmallows – it’s a rocky road.-
Olaf Falafel, The City Cafe, 4.15pm
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Hide AdLeave voters were obsessed with taking back control. What we didn’t know was that they would also take back alt and delete and return the country to factory settings.-
Ben Van Der Velde, White Horse, 5.30pm
I’ve been a pessimist my entire life. I remember one of my first thoughts was that my Mum’s breast was half empty. -
Mark Nelson, Gilded Balloon, 8.45pm
How do you know if someone’s a vegan? They’ll tell you.-
Randy Writes a Novel, Underbelly Potterow, 10.05pm
The appearing rabbit trick can go wrong at the drop of a hat. -
Pete Firman, Pleasance Courtyard, 8pm
Female comedienne – you don’t need both words. Just like male CEO -
Kiri Pritchard-McLean, Pleasance Courtyard, 6pm
I’ve always been agnostic because I firmly believe in copping out of big decisions. -
Kate Lucas, Pleasance Courtyard, 10.30pm
It’s easy to give up on swimming. That’s how diving became a sport. -
Felicity Ward, Pleasance Courtyard, 9pm
If you want your child to have a head start in the science industry then consider naming it “Et Al”. Get its name on a lot of science papers straight away.-
Stuart Laws, Pleasance Courtyard, 6pm
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Hide AdMy fat is a bit like Jeremy Corbyn. You just can’t get rid of it.-
Susan Calman, Pleasance Courtyard, 6.20pm
My grasp of similes is like something else. -
Goose, Assembly George Square, 4.30pm
My great-grandma died at 102 years, which is the same amount of time it takes to cancel a direct debit gym membership. -
Nick Cody, Assembly George Square, 9.20pm
I was the prettiest, cleverest girl in my class. I was home-schooled. -
Lou Sanders, Pleasance Dome, 8.10pm
In many ways racism is like cricket. Invented here but perfected in Australia. -
Nish Kumar, Pleasance Courtyard, 8pm
Apparently 1 in 3 Europeans are conceived in an Ikea bed which is mad because those stores are really well lit. -
Mark Smith, Cowgatehead, 5.30pm
I proposed in a restaurant that was playing Neil Diamond. Perfect, in hindsight, as his name is also a brief set of instructions for making a successful proposal. -
Simon Evans, Assembly George Square, 7pm
It’s tough being ginger. But I know there are far more important social justice movements and next to them we are pale by comparison. -
James Wilson Taylor, Underbelly, 5pm
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Hide AdWhen I’m listening to U2, I turn down the treble a little bit. Just to take the edge off.-
Darren Walsh, Pleasance Courtyard, 8.30pm
People say I’m egocentric but enough about them.-
Phil Nichol, Assembly Checkpoint, 9.45pm
Read more at: https://inews.co.uk/essentials/culture/50-best-jokes-edinburgh-fringe-2016/