House painting: how it all began

AN ARCHEOLOGICAL dig in Orkney has thrown up a profound mystery: why did Neolithic people decorate their buildings with the 5,000-year-old equivalent of Dulux, while no such yen for stone-age decoration has yet been found elsewhere across Northern Europe?

Scene: an Orkney household circa 3000BC. Angus Woad and Maggie, his bidie-in, are having supper.

MAGGIE: It's time you got tae painting the walls again Angus, they're looking awfy dull.

ANGUS: Wheessht. I'm watchin' the golf.

MAGGIE: You'll need to get down to the DIY. We could do with some nice red and ochre swirls.

ANGUS: Coloured swirls? What's wrong wi' plain white?

MAGGIE: It's awfy bare Angus. It's looks like IKEA after a sale. It needs cheerin' up. Something bold, adventurous and romantic.

ANGUS: Ah'm no havin' any modern art here. Anyway, it's drizzlin'.

MAGGIE: Get a hood then. And some non-drip gloss.

ANGUS: You'll be wantin' the lavvy done next.

MAGGIE: (pause) Ah can always get ma mam round to give us a hand.

ANGUS: OK. Where's the brushes?